Purple Elves Are NOT Good For Your Health
by peters.kitten
Summary: Sometimes, purple elves just aren't good for your health... although, Bella and Paul tend to disagree.


I wrote this for my best friend as a gift to her (since I suck at birthdays and Christmas and all that good shit). This was a joint effort between me and her :) This is a humor and not meant to be taken too seriously. It's also unproofed cuz it's 2 in the morning and I said screw it...well, I actaully said "I'll just post it" lol. Hope all of my lovesly readers are doing well and I promise, I am going to read back through my stories and finish them!...eventually.

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._**Bella's POV.**_

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I never planned for any of this to happen, but sitting here, watching as Paul tossed my giggling son into the air, I couldn't find it in my heart to regret it. If what I felt for Paul was so wrong, why did being around him make me feel so utterly complete?

"Come on, babe! The water's warm," Paul yelled to me as he gently set Ryson down on the soft sand of La Push beach. I smiled softly as I watched Ry convince Paul to take him into the waves once more. Paul- my savior, my companion, my love...my husband's best friend.

It had started out innocent, as most things do. Paul was there for me to ease the ache as my husband lost interest...lost interest in our marriage, our children, our life. It quickly became obvious that he had a horrid addiction to World of Warcraft, an online game, that he had no intention to give up.

It might sound funny to some, blaming my ruined marriage on a simple game, but watching day in and day out as Ry continually tried to get his Daddy to pay attention to him, only to be rebuked because Jacob was busy "building a guild" or "cleansing the undead from the ziggurats of Stratholme" was heart-wrenching for me.

There were monstrous arguments and numerous threats to leave, but, as Jacob continually threw in my face, where would I go and what would I do? We lived in the tight-knit community of La Push and if I ever left Jacob without a damn good reason, I would basically be ostracized. Not to mention that I had no job and therefore no way to support myself and my son should I leave. I couldn't move back in with Charlie; he and Sue were happily married, and there's no way that I would intrude on their privacy.

It was hopeless. I was stuck in my loveless sham of a marriage and could see no way out. I learned to simply take joy in raising Ry and devoted myself to him completely. I was determined to play both Mom and Dad for him. In time, he stopped seeking his father's attention at all. He had even turned Jacob down when he offered to take him outside and toss around a baseball (WoW's servers had crashed, leaving Jacob without it for the first time in months.) Ry had stared strangely at Jacob for a full minute before he informed him that "I'm busy. Mommy's taking me to pick out my birthday cake today" and that was that.

When Ry started preschool, the ache came back full force. And when Ry told me he wanted a little brother or sister, I didn't hesitate. I seduced Jacob away from his beloved computer regularly and a few months later I was pregnant.

I was two months pregnant when Paul moved back. His own relationship with Leah was rapidly decreasing so he ended up spending most of his time at our house. Paul loved kids and would have loved to have his own, but Leah had straight up refused. She had no interest in children and didn't want to give up her partying ways.

Paul soon discovered that Jacob was basically useless as a friend, though he did manage to pry him away for a few guys night outs. Still, Paul could be found at our house eighty percent of the time. Ry was immediately enamored with him, and we frequently got together and took him to the beach or to the playground.

As I started to show, Paul was absolutely enchanted with my pregnancy...and I was enchanted with him. The more time we spent together, the closer we became. We shared our first kiss under an Aspen tree at the park when I was five months pregnant...and the daughter I gave birth to four months later was named Aspen Hope.

"Bella! Bring Aspen and get your sexy butt over here!" Paul yelled, pulling me from my thoughts. I laughed as I gathered a six-month old Aspen up from where I had been rubbing sunscreen on her little arms, and we took off to join the rest of our family in the waves.

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~~.~~

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"Seth, my man, I need a favor. I'd be willing to give you those old motorcycles that I bought from Jacob last year that you wanted so bad."

"What do you want?" Seth asked, warily glancing at Paul. He got up and went to get another beer. For some reason, he knew he'd probably need one after this conversation. Paul wasn't the type of guy who asked for casual favors.

"Well, Leah-" Paul started, before Seth cut him off.

"I have no control over my crazy ass sister, Paul. I know you dumped her last year, and I know she still wants to get back at you for it, so whatever crazy thing she's done now is not my problem! Is she still calling you in the middle of the night?" Seth loved his sister, but he wasn't one to lie to himself- Leah had ridden the crazy train a few too many times...along with anything else with legs. He snorted at that thought. It sure wasn't very brotherly, but it was the truth.

"Just hear me out, please. Last month when we talked you said you wanted to help Bella out, right? You said that it wasn't right the way Jacob was doing her." Seth glanced at Paul suspiciously.

"Yeah. He's not the person I thought he was, for sure. He hasn't been for a while, but still, to stoop that low...I wouldn't mind letting my fist do some talking for me. Everyone knows those kids mean everything to Bella, and to threaten her like that to keep her from divorcing him...that's just wrong." Seth would never understand how Bella had put up with Jacob for so long, and he was glad that she had Paul now.

"Yeah, him threatening to tell everyone she was an unfit mother would have been a joke, but his family is high up in the tribe and Bella knows that he could sway a lot of people over to his side. She doesn't want to be forced to leave town and she definitely doesn't want to put the kids through a long custody battle. Which is why I really need your help, Seth." Paul ran his hand over his eyes and then looked up and flashed Seth a grin. "Besides, you'll be helping your sister get back at me in a way."

"Do I even want to know?" Seth asked, then shook his head. "What do you need?"

"I need you to convince Leah that she could get back at me by sleeping with Jacob," Paul said, chuckling when Seth choked on the sip of beer he'd just taken.

"You know she hates Bella anyway, it shouldn't take much to convince her that she could get her revenge on us both at once by sleeping with Jake. Just tell her that she would hurt me worse by hurting Bella than anything she could do to me or some shit. Make something up, I don't care. I know you can do it." Seth was still staring at Paul like he'd just sprouted claws and fur. Finally he stood up and made his way into the kitchen. He needed another beer.

"Okay, I'll do it. I don't want to know any other details, though. Leave me out of this mess. I'll pretend to get drunk with her and let a few things 'slip', but that's it."

"Thanks, Seth. Make sure you let her know that Bella's going to be gone all weekend to her Mom's in Nebraska and Jacob's staying home." Paul grinned in a way that showed all his teeth. Seth thought he looked absolutely predatorial. "Oh, and Jake's really big into WoW. If she happened to dress up like Tyrande Whisperwind, a purple night elf, she'd be in for the ride of her life." Paul barked out a laugh at the look on Seth's face.

"Duuude, I do not want to think about my sister role-playing as anything! Thanks a lot for that disgusting mental image." Seths shudder made Paul laugh even harder.

"You should have seen Bella's face," Paul said, pausing for another round of laughter. "He actually asked her to dress up as an elf for him. She slapped the bastard! Told him to go get elfed!" Paul broke down into another round of snickering, Seth joining him. After a few minutes, Paul turned serious.

"Bella hasn't slept with him in over a year. You know he'll jump on Leah as soon as she offers it. All I need is some proof. Bella is planning on sneaking in with a camera and walking in on them. Since Sunday is Jacob's birthday, she's going to drop the kids off with Charlie and Sue and tell them she's going to go surprise him with a romantic weekend or some shit. After this, the divorce and custody battle should be much easier. We've been documenting all the time Bella spends with the kids...and Jake's lack of time. I really appreciate this, Seth."

"Yeah, man, whatever. You are so giving me those bikes after this. How in the hell am I supposed to let it casually slip to Leah to dress up like a purple elf and go ride Jake into the sunset?! It's not like that's normal conversation, even for a drunk!" Seth exclaimed loudly. Paul and Seth stared at each other for a long moment before they both broke down into laughter again.

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.**Bella's POV.**

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"Wow. If I'd known that dressing up like an elf would've been all it'd take to stop his heart, I would have done it ages ago," I muttered to myself as I watched the ambulance take off down the road. This was not how I had expected tonight to end. Beside me, Paul chuckled lightly, a disbelieving look still plastered to his face.

"Poor Leah looked pretty shaken up about the whole ordeal. Well, as shaken as a naked purple elf can look. Gives new meaning to the phrase "my heart stopped when I saw you," Paul murmured. I smiled up at him. We were totally made for each other.

"I love you, Paul. Now, we really need to run to the store. I have to pick up some eye drops and onions. I've got a grieving widow to play."

"Love you too, babe. I think I'm going to play the consoling best friend. How long you think we should wait before we get married? Is next week too soon to start trying for a baby? I can't wait to see your stomach round with my child," Paul whispered in my ear as he thrust his erection into my backside.

"This is so wrong," I moaned, as I tilted my head to give Paul better access to my neck.

"Nothing wrong could feel this right," he breathed, nibbling on my ear.

"Can't argue with that logic," I purred, turning around and kissing Paul deeply. And if, when we finally made it to the grocery store, our hair was a little out of place and our skin a little flushed, no one said a word. :)

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Yup, we went there. Nope, we're not (too) crazy. Yup, we're both still married. Nope, we haven't killed our husbands...yet.


End file.
